But it wasn’t entirely his own fault. Thinking about Song Hanyeong’s actions today, he was guilty too. He was such a good person—seeing a drunk subordinate all the way to their front door and not taking his eyes off them until the front door closed, scattering kindness to just anyone—so wasn’t it harder for him to restrain himself?
“Anyway, it’s all Song Hanyeong’s fault.”
Meow. As soon as he grumbled, Kkamang cried out as if protesting. Surim gently scratched behind Kkamang’s ears while keeping his mouth firmly shut.
Actually, Surim knew too. That once again, he had simply overinterpreted the small kindness offered by a warm-hearted person.
When he faced reality, a cold wind swept through his heart again. This time, instead of holding a cup, he pulled Kkamang close and held him in his arms. The body heat of the small creature warmed Surim’s body surprisingly warmly.
“No. It’s all my fault.”
If it hadn’t been for Song Hanyeong, he wouldn’t have been able to finish the company dinner safely. Thanks to him coming along, hadn’t he been able to eat a proper meal for the first time in a week? He shouldn’t unreasonably push such a kind, good person into being a bad person.
Just then, Song Hanyeong’s advice suddenly brushed past his ear.
‘In times like that, having a conversation helps.’
A conversation with the dead—that’s absurd. But after listening to the advice of the person who said that strange thing, his nauseous stomach had become fine, so who knew. And right now, Surim was having a conversation with a cat that couldn’t even speak. He was conversing and responding to meowing sounds, so what was there that couldn’t be done with a conversation with a dead person?
Surim, still holding Kkamang, went in front of the urn and sat down on the floor. Kkamang, as if uncomfortable, spun around on the cross-legged Surim’s thigh before settling down in a round shape right in the center. Surim regularly stroked down Kkamang’s back while hesitantly opening his mouth.
“You know, hyung. I went to Everest today. Do you remember Everest? It’s the place we saw when we were exploring restaurants on the tablet…”
The story, told in whispers, continued deep into the night, and during that time, the black cat remained by Surim’s side without ever leaving his embrace.
***
Wow. I really ate yesterday and slept without vomiting.
Surim, who opened his eyes in bed, was moved. It seemed he would gradually get better like this. At first, it was hard to swallow even a blade of grass, then he became able to eat liquids, and now even grilled vegetables were easy.
I’m getting better.
Yesterday, probably because he drank alcohol, he had some bad thoughts, but thinking about it now, it was dizzying. Even if he followed that way, hyung wouldn’t say he did well.
“I have to live hard.”
Surim clenched his fists, shook them back and forth saying “Yeah!”, and got up. In the meantime, Kkamang seemed to have left the house on his own. One window was slightly open. When did he learn how to open windows?
Surim, who yawned widely, staggered to the bathroom. Surim pretended not to notice the dirty sneakers and showered with hot water. It was the most energetic morning in the past week.
To commemorate being able to chew food again, he prepared a lavish breakfast table. He prepared lettuce salad, grilled tofu, crispy potato pancakes, an open sandwich with avocado on vegan bread sprinkled with pepper, and even specially sliced tomatoes sprinkled with sugar.
This was quite a luxurious feast. Surim, who frantically devoured the breakfast that filled the entire table, jumped onto the sofa and hugged a cushion. He knew he shouldn’t sleep after eating, but today he felt like being endlessly lazy. Let’s just live roughly for exactly one day. Surim, who succeeded in making a deal with himself, yawned widely and closed his eyes.
About 30 minutes after falling asleep, Surim bolted upright, covering his mouth as he ran to the bathroom.
Urgh. Ugh…
The retching sounds that continued for a while didn’t stop until about 10 minutes had passed. Surim, who came out of the bathroom after rinsing his mouth, had a pale complexion and gaunt cheeks. He staggered to the sofa and plopped down on the floor in front of it.
“I’m going to die like this…”
Even saying a short sentence, he felt a scratching pain in his throat. Surim grabbed his throat and sprawled on the sofa like wet laundry.
‘It was fine yesterday though…’
Should he make juice again? Surim, who thought of the green juice full of grassy smell, buried his head in the sofa.
Not being able to put any food in his mouth at all versus being able to eat only liquids again after eating proper food once—they had completely different meanings. Before, he was happy because he could eat anything, but now he was dying to eat something proper.
“……”
Still, he didn’t want to starve to death.
Surim, who opened the refrigerator and looked inside thoroughly, was deeply disappointed. There was no juice, only a ton of vegetables. They were things that remained after he tried to eat them and failed.
Surim moved sluggishly with a face that said he didn’t want to do it and made green juice. He really couldn’t bring himself to do it. It was “juice” that he had eaten deliciously until yesterday afternoon, but now it was nothing but green juice he didn’t even want to put in his mouth. Lee Myeongho’s words about what taste could there be in eating such a thing cut to the bone.
Just looking at it was distressing.
‘Why was it okay at yesterday’s company dinner?’
Could it be thanks to Song Hanyeong? If this was really the cause, the situation was the worst. He couldn’t set up Song Hanyeong like a totem every time he ate, could he?
Other than that, the only cause that came to mind was the conversation with his dead hyung. The meal at the restaurant he had promised to go to together with hyung, and the conversation by himself where he chattered about how the taste was, how the restaurant was, down to the smallest details.
Surim, who had been lost in thought for a moment, ran to his room and opened the closet. Inside was a box of hyung’s belongings that he had shoved in there without opening even once. Hyung, who had a long hospital life, had only things used at the hospital even among his belongings.
“The tablet…”
Surim took out the tablet PC that was buried under items like a water cup, slippers, charger, wet wipes, and so on. Fortunately, there was still battery left. When he turned on the map app, restaurants where hyung had marked stars filled the map.
‘When I get out, let’s go eat delicious things together. I’ve looked up all the places I want to go.’
Surim, who was looking through the restaurants marked with stars, selected a certain restaurant and checked the shop name.
“Temple Food Haru… Let’s go here.”
Surim crumpled on his sneakers and rushed out. Behind him, only the green juice he hadn’t drunk even one sip of remained pitifully.
***
Surim, who had rushed out to buy food, returned about an hour later. He put down the packed lunchbox on the coffee table and sat on the floor in front of it. He was very nervous. Even after unwrapping the packaging, rather than thinking it looked delicious, he was more worried about whether it would really be okay.
“…I will eat well.”
Surim slowly finished his meal, using almost thirty minutes. His stomach hadn’t turned upside down yet. But you never knew. The waiting time was anxious, and Surim, who was moving his gaze here and there for no reason, eventually pulled hyung’s urn toward him as if he couldn’t stand it and began to ramble on about this and that.
“I went to the temple food restaurant where you marked a star, hyung. There were seven kinds of seasoned vegetables, lotus root salad and fresh kimchi, and barley rice. You looked for it on purpose because I’m vegetarian, right? I didn’t even know there was a place like this near home…”
Since he had never heard that such a place had been found, it seemed he was planning to surprise him after being discharged by saying there was a place like this. The fact that he had gone alone to a place they should have gone together felt a little upsetting.
“It was delicious. It was incomparably more delicious than what I made. What’s the secret? The vegetables were moist and soft. The lotus root salad was colored with beets, and it was strangely sweet and sour…”
Surim, who had been chattering like that for a while, suddenly became conscious of the fact that he had already passed the time when he should have had to run to the bathroom.
His stomach wasn’t nauseous or queasy.
Now he understood.
‘I couldn’t let hyung go.’
That’s why he didn’t talk about the funeral at work and acted as if nothing had happened. Hyung’s death was too heavy, and he didn’t want to accept it. He didn’t want to be alone.
The memory that came to mind when he reached Everest was a lingering attachment that the two brothers couldn’t bear to throw away. The memory of something they had promised but couldn’t fulfill was bothersome like the sticky adhesive that remains even after peeling off a sticker.
Perhaps because of that lingering attachment, Surim could have made an even more terrible choice. The gap between memories and reality was too large, so Surim had no confidence he could endure the temperature difference at all.
But that didn’t happen. Rather, Surim’s shoulders felt light now. He couldn’t even remember how long it had been since he felt this way. It seemed he had been like that continuously since hyung became unable to open his eyes.
“Hyung, shall we… go eat delicious things together?”
While gently stroking the urn, Surim whispered.
He wanted to visit all the restaurants hyung had bookmarked. He wanted to tell him everything—how the taste was, what the interior was like, whether it was enjoyable.
If he did that, it seemed that someday even hyung’s shadow that he couldn’t bear to let go would crumble formlessly and he could escape from this swamp-like sadness.
