I stayed still, then barely managed to say thank you. I felt like I was doing something very wrong to these kind and radiant kids.
When I said I’d rest on the bench, both Woojin and Junsu were disappointed but didn’t hold me back. Instead they stroked my forehead with gloomy expressions. Not wanting to make them worry, I pushed both their backs saying I was just sleepy so go play basketball. Eorin-i sat next to me without playing basketball, saying he wore his favorite shoes today and didn’t want to get them dirty.
The wind blew. Carried on it, a soft vanilla scent reached me. I remembered when Eorin-i held my hand at the water tap. It seemed like a long time ago now, but it was only a month ago.
Back then, the vanilla scent was so soft and sweet I felt like I’d cry, but now it was so bitter I felt like I’d cry. Eorin-i’s sweet scent rather drew out the bitter taste of guilt. I arbitrarily received comfort from that scent, and the more I did so, the more I was trapped in guilt—it was a repetition. But Eorin-i’s scent was sweet, the only sweet taste in my heart, so I couldn’t think of rejecting it.
“I’m back.”
“Hyung-ah!”
“…Dahui-ya. What are you doing up so late?”
The hallway with the lights off was empty, but I habitually said my greeting. Because night study sessions ended late, it was past ten o’clock when I returned to the orphanage. It was already time for the kindergarten kids to be asleep, but Dahui, my youngest sibling, came tottering out to the entrance. No matter how many times I told her, Dahui called me hyung-ah instead of oppa.
“Dahui, pee-pee.”
“Did Dahui come out to go to the bathroom?”
“Yeah.”
“Should I go to the bathroom with you?”
“No. I go myself.”
When I bent my knees to match her eye level, Dahui hugged my neck tightly. A warm baby’s warmth can be surprisingly comforting at times. With my shoes half off and my bag still on, I stood in the entrance hugging Dahui, standing there blankly.
“Hyung-ah?”
“…”
Dahui’s fingers gently stroked my hair. Even though she was young, Dahui, who was already interested in looking good, liked to touch other people’s hair. She also had a habit of stroking the hair of the person hugging her. I kept repeating to myself that it was just a habit of a young child who knew nothing. This wasn’t comfort. But strangely, tears came.
“…”
“Hyung-ah.”
Knowing that if I cried, my younger siblings would cry along with me, I desperately held back my tears. Clinging to the warmth of a young sibling much smaller than me, receiving comfort from those tiny fingers stroking me. Until the teacher who came out looking for Dahui who wasn’t returning from the bathroom spoke to me, I stood there blankly swallowing my tears in the darkness.
It was too hard. But I couldn’t let go.
A week passed, and the first midterm exams approached. Not just in our class but in all classes, there was a subtle excitement rather than tension. It seemed the pressure about grades hadn’t been felt strongly yet. But when I graduated high school, I would have to leave the orphanage immediately and become independent, so I was a bit more desperate about grades than other kids. Retaking a year was something that must not happen, and I needed to receive as much scholarship money as possible. Moreover, because the foundation had also proposed my entrance to Haebam High and asked me to maintain excellent grades as much as possible, I had to cling to studying.
Not being able to sleep because of the medicine helped a bit this time at least. The story about saving even sleeping time to study was something I’d only seen in college acceptance essays attached to the back of workbooks, but I didn’t know I’d be doing it. My head was heavy and it was hard to concentrate, so I had to read things I would normally only read a few times dozens of times repeatedly. Still, it was good to have a place to immerse myself. I could turn my head away from problems I didn’t dare face.
“The next one is the last exam.”
“Wow, it’s really over.”
On the last day of exams, when the bell rang after social studies, which was the second subject, ended, the kids jumped up and cheered. Although there was still one more subject left, it felt like they were liberated from the exams mood-wise. No matter how much you don’t care, exams are stressful just by their existence, so the kids’ expressions looked relieved.
I didn’t get up from my seat and laid my head down as is. Other kids seemed to be checking their answers with their test papers, but I absolutely didn’t have the energy for that. My head was too foggy this morning so I drank a cup of coffee, and maybe because of that, my heart had been beating noisily since earlier. I also felt a bit short of breath, so I slowly caught my breath.
The next exam was ethics. It was a subject without much burden. Still, I wasn’t relieved, so I raised my head and took out my ethics textbook. I was thinking of at least skimming through it once.
“Chiwon-ah, did you do well on the exam?”
Speaking to me, Woojin plopped down in the empty seat in front. Because of the exams, all the classroom desks were arranged in single file rows. Woojin placed his arms on the desk and tapped my ethics book.
“Just so-so… I did.”
“Ohhh.”
Junsu, who suddenly appeared, placed his hand on Woojin’s head and raised his chin while laughing.
“Chiwon studies well, right? There’s never been a kid who says they did ‘just so-so’ who’s bad at studying.”
“Chiwon does well. Whenever I ask him, he always explains things really well.”
Woojin said. I shook my head. But then a shadow fell from the side. When I looked up that way, Eorin-i was standing there.
“Eorin-ah…?”
Eorin-i’s expression was unusual. Thinking maybe he didn’t do well on the exam, I was about to say something. But suddenly the world spun.
“…!”
A headache struck so suddenly I couldn’t even scream. The loud sound of my heartbeat seemed to actually ring in my ears. When I scrunched up my expression and grabbed my head, someone called my name.
I felt something moist below my nose. When I wiped it, red liquid stained my uniform sleeve. Woojin’s shocked expression flashed before my eyes.
Once again, an intense headache like my head was splitting came powerfully. As soon as I felt a hand reaching out from the side grab my shoulder, black spots spread rapidly in my vision. Next was a blackout.
Fainting was a first in my life. That was the first thought I had after opening my eyes. I blinked blankly and looked around.
Looking at the curtain, the place I was lying seemed to be the nurse’s office bed. I was about to sit up from my position when the strength suddenly drained from my arm. My body was terribly heavy.
The moment I was about to lie back down, the curtain opened. I thought it would be the school nurse, but the one who approached my bed was Eorin-i. Eorin-i strode over to me and laid me down properly.
“Stay lying down.”
“…The exam?”
“Is that what’s important right now?”
It was an important issue, but it seemed like I shouldn’t say that. He wasn’t exactly making an angry expression, but Eorin-i felt very angry. I had nothing to say, so I changed the subject.
“What time is it?”
“Two thirty.”
It was a time when the exams would all be over and everyone would have gone home. It seemed he stayed for my sake, but I felt sorry for keeping even Eorin-i here, so I made a smiling expression and got up. This time at least, strength returned to my arms.
“Um, I couldn’t sleep… so that’s probably why. I’m fine.”
“…”
“Sorry for making you stay until this time. If I contact the teacher, they’ll come, so you go home and rest too, Eorin-ah. You’re tired, right? Okay?”
Saying everything I could, I looked for my phone. Somehow it felt like I was being crushed by the air. Anxiety kept swallowing me up, so I kept repeating the thought that I needed to hurry and escape the nurse’s office. But Eorin-i opened his mouth.
“Why?”
“What?”
“Why are you hiding it like that?”
My heart sank with a thud.
“The school nurse said if you keep taking suppressants in your current condition, something really terrible will happen.”
“…”
“You looked really dangerous earlier. You know? You collapsed with a pale face, I really thought something terrible happened to you.”
His voice was already on the low side, but Eorin-i’s voice sounded a bit rough. He was angry after all.
“Why are you hiding it like that? We…”
“…”
“Am I not someone you can trust?”
I couldn’t give any answer. If I opened my mouth to speak, it felt like tears would burst out. I couldn’t cry in front of Eorin-i right now. I was the one who did wrong, so I shouldn’t cry.
In the end, he found out. Eorin-i found out. Since when? No, that didn’t matter anymore.
Would Eorin-i leave me? Would Junsu, would Woojin, despise me?
Like those kids?
I tried to breathe but it didn’t work well. It felt like my lungs had stopped. Now I couldn’t tell if I was scared or what. I lowered my eyes. I couldn’t face Eorin-i.
Eorin-i quietly looked at me, who gave no answer in the end. After a terrible silence, the nurse’s office door opened.
“Ah, Chiwon, you’re up?”
“…Yes.”
“Your voice doesn’t sound good. A teacher is outside, so go home today and definitely go to the hospital. And come to the nurse’s office tomorrow. It seems we have a lot to talk about.”
Silently listening to the school nurse’s words, I got up from the bed and put on my bag that was placed on the table. Eorin-i silently approached and grabbed my arm to support me. I desperately avoided looking at Eorin-i.
“Definitely go to the hospital and rest well. Got it?”
“Yes.”
After leaving the nurse’s office, until we came to the entrance and met with the orphanage teacher who was waiting, Eorin-i and I didn’t say a single word.
The doctor at the pheromone center I visited riding in the orphanage’s car diagnosed my condition and repeatedly urged me to absolutely, absolutely, absolutely not take medicine for the time being. They said I was already a hyper-heat omega so my pheromone system was prone to disorder, and on top of being in adolescence, I had taken medicine I had no tolerance for because I didn’t eat well, so it was no wonder I collapsed. They said my constitution itself didn’t take medicine well so it put two or three times more strain on my body than others, so I shouldn’t take suppressants as much as possible in the future, and held my hand tightly until I answered, not letting go.
When the orphanage teachers learned that I had taken suppressants and collapsed because of it, they were very angry. They scolded me asking why I didn’t keep my promise when they told me to always consult with a teacher when I needed suppressants, and in the end, the teachers shed tears. I stood looking only at my toes and repeated only that I was sorry.
The teachers asked me why I broke the rules, but didn’t ask why I took the medicine. My younger siblings were looking at me from behind the wall with worried expressions, but I didn’t have the capacity to smile at those faces. After promising that I would never make decisions on my own and take medicine again, I entered my room.
