As soon as the words ended, his heart plummeted with a thud. The call had already ended a while ago, but Yoonjo sat there blankly, even forgetting to breathe. He kept rubbing his eyes, wondering what he’d just heard. Not satisfied with that, he even pinched his cheek, but this moment wasn’t a dream or a fantasy—it was reality.
“No way…”
There’s a saying that “no way” can kill a person, but Yoonjo, who believed this time was an exception, checked his phone. Surely the call must still be connected.
“…It’s not.”
Maybe the call itself had been an illusion. Since he’d been crying out wanting to see Seonwoo so much, it seemed he’d spread the wings of imagination. Forcing out a “Haha!” laugh, Yoonjo checked his call history.
Sadly, the call history clearly showed the letters [Seonwoo Hyung(2)]. Maybe the date was wrong. It might be a record created in the distant past when his finger slipped without Yoonjo knowing.
Checking the date and time with trembling hands, Yoonjo covered his face with both hands.
His eyes stung and grew hot. But Yoonjo kept consoling himself that this was just because it was hot, because his palms were hot.
***
Yoonjo, who kept rubbing his swollen eyes with his palms, dragged his suitcase while wearing a heavy bag. He made a visor with his hand and looked at the house next door, but it was quiet. Listening to the rattling tractor engine sound, Yoonjo carefully knocked on the gate.
“Hyung! Seonwoo hyung! I’m leaving! I’m going to Seoul! I’ll come back down after next semester ends!”
When he shouted like this, even Dongtae would have responded, but now it was just silent. Standing still with his forehead against the door, Yoonjo pressed the bell firmly. The bell rang with a buzz and worked normally, but there was no human response.
After hesitating for a long time, Yoonjo took out his phone. When he found Seonwoo’s name and pressed the call button, the dial tone continued.
Would he answer or not? If he answered, what on earth should he say? As Yoonjo stretched his thoughts this way and that, he lifted his head slightly at the suddenly cut-off dial tone.
“…Hyung.”
– Yoonjo?
Yoonjo fiddled with the gate handle. Crumbling paint came off on his fingertips. From the sound of sporadic conversation beyond the speaker, Seonwoo seemed to be among people.
Suddenly he remembered him from a week ago. That face that turned pale just because people recognized Ki Seonwoo, those dilated pupils, and finally even those trembling fingertips…
“Are you okay now?”
It was a question asked out of the blue, but Yoonjo believed Seonwoo would understand what he meant. Because the murmuring conversation had stopped abruptly.
– I have to be okay. Because I have a reason to be.
“A reason?”
Even after speaking, Yoonjo thought “Oh no.” The person who gave Seonwoo a reason to be okay. A person connected to his world. That must definitely be Seo Yeongyeom. It was an obvious fact even without asking. Yoonjo hurriedly added, afraid that the name Seo Yeongyeom might come out of Seonwoo’s mouth.
“Ah, of course. You could have such a reason. Of course!”
Biting his lips firmly and taking the phone slightly away from his ear, Yoonjo raised his head at the sound of the tractor coming out. Grandfather was coming outside. It was to take Yoonjo to the terminal.
Touching his heated ears and waiting for some words to come from Seonwoo, he suddenly spoke.
“I’m going to Seoul today.”
– Yeah. I heard, from Grandfather.
You know… You already knew. And yet you won’t show your face even once… Suddenly his insides felt complicated. Suppressing the churning feeling, Yoonjo just kept moving his lips before forcing a smile.
“Actually. I wanted to keep staying with you, hyung. I never imagined the vacation would be this short.”
“Yoonjo-ya! Get on quickly! You’ll miss the bus!”
Even at Grandfather’s urging, Yoonjo hesitated. Yoonjo, who shouted that he’d talk for just a moment, scratched his cheek.
“If I had my way, I’d want you to stay with me, hyung. But I don’t want you to have a hard time because of my greed. I’ll definitely come down every vacation. I’ll really definitely come. To see you, hyung.”
Thinking about the bus time, he should leave now, but Yoonjo couldn’t easily take a step. Pushing the dirt with his toes, he barely finished speaking.
“So just promise me one thing. If that son of a bitch comes again, definitely punch him once. That person called Yeongyeom or Yeonda or whatever.”
– You need to speak more nicely.
“Okay. I’ll do that. And… I hope your busy work gets resolved soon too. See you next time, hyung. I’ll… definitely come back.”
The words “I’ll miss you” stuck in his throat but didn’t come out in the end. Yoonjo walked plod-plod toward the tractor while holding his phone. Unlocking the trailer’s lock, he quietly waited for a goodbye from Seonwoo.
– Goodbye, Yoonjo-ya. Take care. See you again.
Barely moving his Adam’s apple, Yoonjo replied “Yes.” He shoved his phone into his back pocket and loaded his suitcase and heavy backpack onto the trailer. Immediately sitting in the seat next to Grandfather, he left Namhang village.
The harsh sunlight stabbed at his eyes. Because of the sunlight, because of the wind blowing from afar, his eyes stung. The road happened to be wide open. It happened to be… this road.
The first time riding the tractor with Seonwoo, that day returning from going to the field, the day playing around at the beach, the midday sunlight while learning to drive, that night covered with dim dawn light, the pleasant body scent that brushed his nose, and the moment that appeared more magically than magic and poured emotions into him until overflowing.
Everything was stored intact in Yoonjo’s head.
Only after passing the village and crossing the familiar field did Yoonjo realize. That vacation had really ended. That the moment that had only been happy with Seonwoo was shorter than a midsummer night’s dream.
“Do well at school. Oh my, Yoonjo, are you crying?”
In front of Grandfather who was casually saying goodbye in front of the terminal, Yoonjo’s lips trembled. He had no confidence he could overcome this emotion. Stretching out his arms and hugging Grandfather tightly, Yoonjo started pouring out tears.
“Oh my… Yoonjo-ya. Don’t cry. What should I do. I’m really going crazy… Oh my, Yoonjo, my grandson.”
At the rough touch patting his back, Yoonjo let out his crying with sound. More than the regret of never seeing Ki Seonwoo again, Yoonjo felt regret that he couldn’t show him a cooler, better side.
Twenty years old, Yoonjo’s first love ended here.
***
Yoonjo’s eyes had become not human eyes but goldfish eyes. After parting with Grandfather and taking the bus to Seoul, he poured out all his tears and snot the entire way. He thought about contacting Seonwoo but stopped because that seemed like too bad a thing to do.
If it were a normal situation, from the moment Yoonjo texted or called Seonwoo, he should have gotten a title like sasaeng fan or something similar.
Unable to do this or that, he just squeezed out tears while sniffling. It got to the point where a woman sitting in the back seat handed him travel tissues, unable to watch anymore.
The tears stopped completely while riding the subway, but the swollen eyes and reddened nose couldn’t be hidden. Yoonjo wrinkled his nose and dragged his heavy suitcase forward with a rattle.
It happened to be a day without rain. Under the bright sunlight shining down on campus, Yoonjo was an out-of-place existence. The one consolation, if it was a consolation, was that there were no students because it was vacation.
He pressed his eyes firmly with his palms, and wiped the area under his nose dripping with snot with tissue. Perhaps because of Seoul’s characteristically stuffy air different from the countryside, he gradually calmed down.
“Whew…”
Taking a deep breath, Yoonjo used the window of a car parked nearby as a mirror and examined his face.
“Not a person but a corpse…”
Sniffling once, Yoonjo muttered softly that it was a ghost not a corpse, and roughly rubbed his eyes with his sleeve.
“It’s okay. Living life, well! There are things like that and things like this!”
He could just go down during winter vacation. Of course, by then he’d have to refrain from pressing forward saying he liked him. Still, he thought where else could there be hope that he could see his face.
Yoonjo, who was dragging his suitcase with a rattle, suddenly stopped walking. Tears crept out again. Yoonjo crouched down on the spot and pressed his forehead to his knees. Tears soaked into his jeans, making them damp.
“Why… did you kiss me? I’m not, not a pea, peach, not a… *sniff*… not…”
He felt bruised all over from being poked and poked. Even in this state, he still liked Seonwoo. It was upsetting to the point of frustration.
Only after a long while did Yoonjo stand up, and on his knees were two tear marks pressed in like buttons. His eyes stung from crying again, but Yoonjo walked spiritedly.
When Yoonjo arrived at the dormitory building, his face was covered in sweat. The suffocating air kept seeping into his lungs. He thought he vaguely saw a forecast on the bus saying it was the highest temperature in 8 years. Roughly sweeping back the hair stuck to his forehead, Yoonjo dragged his suitcase toward the management office.
“Hello.”
When he opened the glass door, cool air clung to the nape of his neck. Letting out a breath from the field, Yoonjo put his suitcase in one corner. Going to the person in charge, Yoonjo gave his student number and name. It was to confirm his room number.
The person in charge, who tapped the keyboard a few times, looked at the monitor then looked at Yoonjo with a puzzled face.
“You applied for dormitory move-in cancellation.”
“What? Cancellation? Me? Who?”
“You’re student Ji Yoonjo, right? It’s a self-cancellation.”
“Me? That can’t be. I came up today to move into the dormitory.”
Toward Yoonjo who repeatedly said that couldn’t be, the person in charge slowly examined the details then explained the reason with an “Ah.”
“It wasn’t a self-cancellation but an automatic cancellation. It was cancelled for non-payment of dormitory fees.”
“Ah…”
Only then did Yoonjo remember the fact that he’d only applied and forgotten to deposit. Because he’d poured all his nerves into thinking about Seonwoo, the dormitory had actually become secondary.
“Should I put you on the waiting list? We can contact you if a room becomes available.”
“Yes! Yes! Please do!”
Relieved that at least a method had appeared, Yoonjo nodded his head vigorously and gave his information again. Seeing the phone number being additionally entered, he let out a sigh of relief. It was because he thought he could move in before the semester started at least.
