It was only then that I understood why Hahyun was acting this way.
This wasn’t about relieving his anxiety; it was more like a question he was throwing at me.
He wanted to ask if I would stay with him even if he did terrible things, if I would really remain by his side.
“Since hyung is so worried about Hajin hyung, I’ll start thinking about what I can do for him starting tomorrow. But…”
I could guess what he was going to say next without having to hear it. He meant that before working for Hajin, he wanted an equal reward for himself. Or that it was too unfair to him…
It wasn’t the kind of thinking a grown man should have, and it was an emotion difficult to understand with normal reasoning. But I felt I could understand him.
He consistently couldn’t shake off his delusion that I would run away with Hajin… I was really thoughtless. Openly worrying only about Hajin in front of someone like him—no wonder unbearable anxiety had built up in Hahyun.
I held Hahyun tightly and began to move. Hahyun, who had been crying, opened his eyes wide at my proactive behavior.
“…Hyung?”
“Haah… how long are we just going to talk? I was starting to feel good.”
“Hmmph…”
Hahyun began to move his body too. Why act like this when he’d just do whatever he wanted… Then when I actually set the stage, he couldn’t do anything.
As I matched my body to Hahyun’s pace, I started to feel a tingling inside my stomach.
“Ah, th-there… a little more.”
“Ah, this really feels so good. I love you, hyung.”
Hahyun said this while changing to a position that made it easier for me to move.
“Ah… ahhh.”
Despite feeling uncomfortable in the new position, I couldn’t stop moving my body. The sensation that came from touching a certain spot grew closer then farther, repeating and creating a growing thirst. I wanted him to give me a little more, wanting desperately to release it somehow.
Hahyun bit my ear as if he couldn’t bear it anymore, then grabbed my nape.
“Let go… I want to…”
“Stay still. How long are you going to take to finish like that…”
In an instant, our positions were reversed. Hahyun, now on top of me again, firmly gripped my hips. Soon, a place that hadn’t been stimulated was being touched, creating the sensation of something blocked suddenly opening up.
“Ah, AH! Hnngh! Ah, it feels good…”
“Ah, fuck…”
I heard him cursing next to my ear, his voice scratching from deep in his throat. The excited Hahyun grabbed my ankle floating in the air and picked up the pace. My head repeatedly hit the bed’s headboard.
“Ungh…”
Pushing his member deep inside, Hahyun exhaled a heavy breath. As something warm spread fully inside my stomach, I felt like I was falling off a cliff with no bottom. My body went limp. My mind became distant, unable to think of anything.
If Hahyun’s behavior today was a strategy, then his strategy was completely successful. While holding him, I didn’t think about Hajin even a little.
* * *
I fell into a dream in a daze. Even in my drowsy state, I checked my phone first to see if Hajin had contacted me. As expected, there was no message.
Last night, Hahyun, who had said he would help Hajin for my sake but do things his way, finally let me go near dawn. Having consumed so much energy, I was now too exhausted to even hold my phone.
The time was 7 o’clock, and just as I thought it was still too early for Hahyun to go to work, the door opened. When I lifted my head, I saw Hahyun in a neat suit. It was a completely different appearance from when he was clinging to me and crying yesterday.
“You’re awake? You should have slept a bit more.”
“Ha… hyun, ah.”
My voice wouldn’t come out properly, as if my throat was hoarse. Even after coughing and trying to speak again, it was the same.
“I’m sorry. Was I too rough yesterday?”
I stared at Hahyun with wide eyes. As far as I remembered, he was only a little rough at the beginning, but not particularly after that, so I wondered what he meant.
“Don’t you remember? Hyung, you were almost asleep toward the end… Still, I washed you and applied medicine. There aren’t any wounds, but just in case…”
Hahyun sat on the floor and stroked my cheek. His hand, freshly washed and smelling nice, felt cooling against my hot cheek.
When my expression softened, Hahyun observed me carefully and asked, “Hyung, are you not in pain?”
Earlier I hadn’t noticed because I had just woken up, but now that he mentioned it, various parts of my body were aching, and I could feel pain down below as well.
When I frowned again, Hahyun drooped his eyes and lowered his head.
“I’m sorry. I did it because I wanted attention.”
I know without him saying it. How Hahyun felt when all my attention was focused on Hajin. How difficult it must have been for him, in that situation, to not harm Hajin and instead honestly ask me for attention. I forced out my voice, which wasn’t coming out well, and said:
“So, did it feel good?”
Hahyun nodded, his glossy face reddening. Then he lifted the blanket and got into bed.
“Hey, you… your clothes will get wrinkled.”
“It’s okay. I can smooth them out in front of the mirror later.”
The scent of Hahyun’s cologne spread strongly under the blanket.
“Hyung is really like an angel. Even though I did something wrong, you’re not angry…”
“I have things to be sorry for too.”
“Huh? What are you sorry for, hyung?”
Is he a fool? He clearly forgot why he had acted that way toward me. Not wanting to remind him of what he had forgotten, I changed the subject.
“For having weak stamina, for getting tired easily?”
My voice was gradually returning. Hahyun, who had been resting his cheek on my chest, buried his lips against my neck.
“Promise me you won’t hate me.”
“If I hated you, I wouldn’t be holding you, would I?”
“Don’t change the subject. Tell me straight that you don’t dislike me. No, tell me you like me.”
“I like you.”
Even though I did as he asked, Hahyun let out a deep sigh.
“Why that reaction when I said I like you?”
“I’m anxious about leaving you and going to work. I’m also anxious that you’re not angry even though I did something bad yesterday, and I’m anxious that if Hajin hyung becomes more pitiful, you might like him more.”
The answer Hahyun wanted was for me to say I liked him more than Hajin. But I couldn’t easily give him that answer. If later I were put in a situation where I had to choose one of them, today’s words would hurt him.
“I keep having bad thoughts. I’m going crazy with anxiety… but I hate being hated even more…”
Hahyun’s voice started to crack. Thinking he might cry again if left like this, I held Hahyun’s cheeks with both hands and lightly kissed him. I was trying to soothe him and send him off to work, but he grabbed my nape and wouldn’t let go.
After allowing it for a moment, I gently pushed his shoulder. Fortunately, Hahyun didn’t fuss more and let himself be pushed away.
“Hyung, what should I really do? I want to cry again.”
I looked straight into Hahyun’s anxious eyes and said clearly:
“Hahyun, I like you. I sincerely like you.”
“…When we first met, you said you liked me because I was cute. But that changed. You met strange men, and secretly did that thing with Hajin hyung behind my back…”
“No, that was in the past. I told you I’ve changed?”
“Then do you dislike Hajin hyung? Can you tell me you only like me?”
A chill ran down my spine when I heard his voice that had suddenly turned cold. I began to feel more anxious at the thought that all my efforts to prevent Hahyun from becoming like this might have been in vain.
“Hahyun… this is hard for me.”
Perhaps because I was tired, the truth slipped out. I shouldn’t be like this right now…
“I know. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make it difficult for you… I just can’t hold back well.”
As if it had never been cold, Hahyun’s voice now lacked strength. I firmly gripped his shoulders that kept trying to burrow into my arms, and met his eyes. Perhaps thinking he had done something wrong, Hahyun couldn’t even look at me properly.
“Hahyun, I’ll make you a promise. A promise I will absolutely never break.”
“What is it?”
“If I ever have to choose one of you, I’ll definitely tell both of you. I won’t conspire with one to deceive the other, or run away.”
Hahyun’s gaze traveled over various parts of my face. It was a look that seemed to ask if I was sincere. I caressed his cheek and smiled gently. Hahyun slowly opened his mouth.
“…For now, at least do that much.”
His expression was full of dissatisfaction, as if it wasn’t the answer he wanted. Still, compared to his delusion that I might run away with Hajin, this was a much better situation.
“But. If the person you choose isn’t me…”
Hahyun bit his lower lip hard, as if holding back what he wanted to say. Then, as if having made up his mind, he looked straight at me.
“I can’t guarantee what I’ll do. So please don’t hate me too much then.”
Hahyun rested his chin on my shoulder, as if trying to hide his expression.
“Of course, I believe you’ll choose me.”
“…”
“Who else would it be, if not me.”
His voice murmuring as if trying to brainwash himself stuck in my ear. The red marks he had left all over me through the night throbbed painfully.
