“Are you wavering now?”
When I lifted my head at Juwon’s low, sunken voice, I could see his deeply furrowed brow relaxing. He was clearly anxious but seemed to be trying hard not to show it in front of me. Seeing him like that made me angry again, even though I shouldn’t be.
“Hyung!”
“…?”
I wanted to ask, “If I don’t take Hajin hyung’s side and instead take Secretary Kim’s side, would you hate me?” but I forcibly held back. If I said that, he’d say no on the surface, but it was obvious he’d just tell another lie that wasn’t sincere. So it was right to endure it, even if it was difficult.
“How can I waver about something I don’t know about? Do you also think I should take Secretary Kim’s side?”
Juwon sighed, “Huu…” His relief at Hahyun’s words was plainly visible. After pretending to contemplate for a moment, Juwon finally spoke.
“You said it earlier. That you didn’t know how to help Hajin. Doesn’t that mean you want to help him?”
At Juwon’s question, Hahyun relaxed his stiffened lips and smiled awkwardly.
“That’s right. But the reason is partly because I’m worried about Hajin hyung, but also…”
Hahyun paused here and closed his mouth again. It was to gauge whether he should continue or not.
“Hahyun?”
“…it’s because of you, hyung.”
“Huh?”
“Because you’re upset about Hajin hyung, I want to do something so you’ll stop worrying.”
The corners of Juwon’s bloodshot eyes from lack of sleep curved gently. It was the smile Hahyun loved. His heart pounded at the expression he hadn’t seen in a long time.
Juwon’s gentle touch brushed across his round forehead.
“You’ve really changed a lot. Our Hahyun.”
“Then… please hug me.”
It was a request made without much expectation. He’d asked to be hugged yesterday and was rejected, so it was obvious he’d be refused today too.
But surprisingly, Juwon bent his waist, hugged Hahyun, and whispered in his ear.
“Since you’re being so good… shall we go to the bedroom?”
As soon as Juwon finished speaking, Hahyun jumped up from his seat. His only thought was that they should move quickly before Juwon changed his mind.
* * *
After entering the bedroom, Hahyun wanted to beg Juwon to shower together, but held back for later. He showered first and then sent Juwon to the bathroom.
Things were going exactly as planned, which made him anxious again.
Had Juwon realized he was just pretending to help Hajin, pretending to be pitiful? What would happen if he was found out later?
Hahyun spent the time anxiously picking at the hangnails on his fingers. Soon, he heard the bathroom door opening.
“Why are you…”
Juwon trailed off seeing Hahyun crouched in front of the door. Hahyun looked up at Juwon with a pitiful expression. Then he grabbed Juwon’s wrist firmly and went back into the room.
“Wait… Hahyun, my wrist hurts.”
“I’m sorry. I grabbed it too hard without realizing.”
Hahyun wanted to throw Juwon onto the bed right away but restrained himself. When he released Juwon’s wrist, Juwon approached first.
“Hyung, I’ll really work hard to help Hajin hyung.”
“That’s good.”
While stroking Juwon’s back as he leaned in quietly, Hahyun buried his lips in the nape of his neck. Taking a slow breath, a pleasant scent tickled his nose. With his body feeling like it was boiling, bad thoughts kept coming to mind.
“Can I kiss you? I’ll go slowly.”
As soon as Juwon nodded, Hahyun pulled his arm and immediately crashed their lips together. He parted Juwon’s lips and stirred inside his mouth. Despite not keeping his promise to go slowly and moving by instinct, Juwon didn’t pull away and remained still.
‘I should have pretended to be pitiful like Seo Hajin earlier…’
It was amazing that Juwon wasn’t pushing him away just because he acted a little pitiful. He’d never lost out by imitating Seo Hajin until now, so he regretted not doing this sooner.
Rough breathing was felt through the slightly parted lips. Hating even that brief separation, he pressed down on Juwon’s nape, but Juwon hit his arm hard and pulled his head back.
“I thought you said you’d go slowly…”
Hahyun grabbed Juwon’s chin. Their eyes met again.
“…I’ll try. But please don’t avoid me either. I’m really holding back a lot.”
Looking into Juwon’s eyes that seemed to see right through him, Hahyun’s heart raced at the thought that he might be hated. At times like this, he always remembered what Chairman Seo used to say.
<Useless bastard. Even with a mental illness… Who would even care about someone like you.>
Hahyun shook his head vigorously, trying to shake off Chairman Seo’s lingering presence.
‘It’s tinnitus, it’s an illusion. Chairman Seo is dead. Juwon hyung…’
Juwon’s voice came through.
“Hahyun? Seo Hahyun? Are you okay?”
“Yes. I was just surprised. Afraid you might avoid me.”
Fortunately, Juwon answered kindly as usual without any suspicion, “I won’t avoid you.” Hahyun held Juwon’s face with both hands and crashed their lips together. Their moist tongues pressed against each other, and their breaths mingled. After frantically rubbing lips for a while, Hahyun pulled away and looked at Juwon.
“You really won’t avoid me? Even if I do what I want?”
Hahyun’s questioning eyes seemed slightly off somehow. That’s why Juwon couldn’t tell him to do whatever he wanted.
“Well, I won’t avoid you, but… still, don’t cause any woun— mmph, mmf!”
Their lips locked again.
* * *
Even while kissing Juwon, I kept recalling the news I had seen earlier. They said that despite the lengthy investigation, they couldn’t find any incriminating evidence. If that’s the case, it’s somewhat reassuring, but it’s not completely over yet, which is frustrating.
What is he doing and where? If it’s over, couldn’t he at least contact me?
While lost in thought, Hahyun removed all my clothes and stripped himself naked, then started crying.
“I know I should listen to what hyung says, but every time you refuse me, I keep having bad thoughts. Like, what if I just did what I wanted? When even being cute isn’t enough… I shouldn’t be so mean…”
When would Hahyun’s anxiety ever get better?
“I said I wouldn’t refuse you.”
“Don’t lie. You’re planning to avoid me saying you’re hurt when I suck hard enough to make you red.”
“No, I won’t avoid you for something like that.”
Hahyun brought his face close as if to confirm and asked.
“Really?”
Instead of answering, I licked his collarbone lengthwise.
“Haa…”
Hahyun moaned and met my eyes. His eyes were still brimming with tears, but there was something twisted about them somewhere. Hahyun averted his gaze and sat between my legs. Just as I thought, ‘We haven’t done anything yet and already?’ intense pain followed.
“…ugh! Ah, it hurts…”
It came so suddenly that I must have bitten my tongue because I tasted blood in my mouth. It was natural since I wasn’t prepared. Tears pricked my eyes.
“Ah… it feels so good.”
“Ah, it hurts… wait… Ah! Hngh!”
Though he seemed to be struggling too, breathing heavily, he didn’t stop saying how good it felt. I gripped Hahyun’s shoulders so strongly that my fingertips turned white from the pain rising from below.
“I’m sorry. If you endure a little, it will get better. I was just curious how much hyung likes me.”
After finishing his words, Hahyun smiled brightly as if pleased and sucked on my neck. I couldn’t tell him that I didn’t avoid him not because I was okay, but because I was too shocked and confused to even avoid it. Somehow, it felt like I shouldn’t say that.
When I silently embraced Hahyun’s back, he grimaced and moved forcefully.
“Ah, ah! S-stop…”
“What do you mean stop? It hasn’t even been five minutes. Endure a little more. Haa…”
Hahyun spoke through gritted teeth with his brow furrowed. The body beneath him began to move incessantly. It was difficult to bear the ticklish sensation as he moved in that grinding manner.
When I squirmed to get comfortable, he bit my shoulder. He bit much harder than usual, causing me to involuntarily moan.
“Does it hurt? Hnngh…”
Hahyun asked that but didn’t stop his actions. With his upper body slightly raised, he stared at me intently, as if he was someone enjoying my pain.
“It hurts, be gentler.”
“I’m sorry. I’m just too anxious.”
I held onto the sheets and endured, wondering why Hahyun who had just pleased me by saying he’d worry about Hajin was suddenly acting like this.
“It hurts because you keep applying force.”
He got up and buried himself deeper. Gradually, sensation returned, and my broken rationality came back.
Droplets fell on my face. I thought it was sweat, but it was tears.
Why is he crying after doing this himself…
I sighed and stroked Hahyun’s back. As if curious about my reaction, Hahyun suddenly stopped his movements and stared at me. I asked, puzzled by his sulky expression as if he’d been hurt.
“Hahyun, why are you crying? After doing everything you wanted.”
“What if I’m scared?”
“I told you to do whatever you wanted, so why?”
“Still. What if you hate me because I hurt you too much?”
Hahyun trembled and hugged me tightly.
