“You, you’re too hasty. Hahyun?”
As I tried to move away from him even for a moment, I ended up sitting on his thighs instead.
The high temperature of the bathtub made me feel more out of breath than usual. I tried to relax and breathe. Whenever I did, Hahyun would move, causing my body to keep slipping.
“Say you love me.”
“Ugh…”
I should speak when it’s appropriate. This is…
“If you don’t say it, I might get rough.”
“Hahyun, first calm down and… ngh!”
“If you can’t say you love me, just breathe and relax your body.”
Rough breathing touched my nape. At the same time as my shoulder was bitten with a crunch, I felt pain.
“Ah…!”
A long scream escaped me. As I tried to break free, crying from the unbearable pain, he grabbed my chin, turned it, and kissed my lips as if to soothe me.
“It’s okay. Relax. Hmm?”
I was trying to speak as kindly as possible while forcibly suppressing the urge to push him away when suddenly, I felt something entering deeply. I couldn’t even breathe with my mouth open and my body creaking, until I finally managed to lift my head. When our eyes met, Hahyun licked his lips and kissed me. Water splashed, leaving my face a mess.
“Relax. If you don’t want to get hurt.”
Hahyun whispered these threatening words as if pleading, placing a short kiss on my neck and rubbing his cheek against mine. Even though he was speaking like a bad guy, his actions were like a big dog being affectionate with its owner, so I didn’t feel any animosity.
I must be completely crazy about Seo Hahyun, otherwise…
While I was thinking this, Hahyun firmly gripped my pelvis.
“Hngh!”
“Haah…”
The lips that had been biting my neck gradually moved up and devoured my lips. It was a raw kiss that simply pushed forward even as our teeth collided and lips tore.
“Ahh… I’ll let you do it, so please go a little slower.”
“I’m sorry. I was feeling anxious because you wouldn’t say you love me.”
Despite his words of apology, his actions continued completely differently. Unable to endure anymore, I pushed his shoulders, but he only began to move more intensely.
The only way to stop him was to say that I would hate him if he kept doing this. But when I opened my mouth, moans came out first, making it impossible to speak.
“Wait, just a moment. Hahyun… mmph, you… if you keep, hah! doing this, I’ll… mmph!”
A large hand covered my mouth. When my ear was bitten, my body began to shake uncontrollably. To avoid slipping in the bubble-filled bathtub, I tightly grabbed his shoulders. He kissed my lips again.
“Mmph, ngh…”
The bathroom was so hot that I felt like my body would melt, and with my mouth covered, I thought I might die from not being able to breathe. I hit the back of his hand, trying desperately to remove it.
“You want me to take my hand off?”
I scratched the back of his hand to indicate yes.
“Then don’t say you hate me.”
I hit the back of his hand again. Still seeming doubtful, his demands continued.
“Say you’re dying from how good it feels, say you love me.”
I nodded vigorously. I needed to survive first. His hand left my mouth. Before I could say anything, he grabbed my waist.
“…Ah!”
A sensation that I couldn’t tell whether it was painful or pleasurable pushed me to my limits.
“Hold onto me and endure it.”
Hajin’s hands on my waist tightened. His previously relaxed expression disappeared, and his eyebrows furrowed painfully.
“Haah…”
When Hahyun moved me slightly in a straight position, every sensation rushed in as if all the cells in my body had awakened. Before I could get used to the feeling, he began to move quickly.
My breath was cut off, and my ears became muffled. It felt as if I was already dead.
“I, no more…”
“Fuck, I’m hurting too.”
Hahyun, who had been begging me to say I loved him, now seemed beyond even that, breathing roughly and increasing his pace.
“Ah, hng… st-stop…”
“Do you want me to cover your mouth again?”
“No… it feels good…”
I couldn’t even tell if I said it felt good because it really did, or because I didn’t want my mouth covered again. It was a complicated feeling—it hurt but also felt good, I wanted to stop but also wanted to continue. The more I tried to avoid Hahyun, the more he clung to me. So all the resistance I could manage was biting his lips, pushing his shoulders, and scratching his back with my nails.
“J-just a moment… ngh… ah, it hurts…”
“It’s not just pain, is it? I can feel everything. Do you know how many times you’ve come already?”
Though I wasn’t tied up, I couldn’t move as if my entire body was bound. Hahyun nibbled at my neck, which was already covered with his marks. A chilling sensation ran down my spine.
Then suddenly, Hahyun’s movements stopped.
“How can you be crying already?”
“…I’m not crying?”
Hahyun licked around my eyes with his tongue. A slurping sound was made as some liquid, whether sweat or tears, went into his mouth.
So I was even crying. Ha…
Feeling this couldn’t go on, I gave him a brief kiss on the lips and whispered as sweetly as possible.
“I like you, I love you, Hahyun. I really like you.”
I repeated the same words over and over. He closed his eyes for a moment, then released a deep breath that had been trapped.
He would stop now that he’d heard what he wanted, I thought inwardly, but was shocked to hear Hahyun’s next words.
“Haah… You don’t know how long I’ve waited for this moment. I’ll give you lots of things you’ll like.”
After that, my memories weren’t continuous but fragmented. Hahyun writhed against my body like someone possessed by a ghost who couldn’t get enough. How much time passed like that?
When I regained consciousness, my body had been cleaned and I’d been moved to my room, and when I lost consciousness again and opened my eyes, Hahyun was watching me, crying.
“I love you.”
“Yes, it’s okay, Hahyun. Me too…”
I fell asleep while stroking his back.
* * *
A few lonely old horizontal bars stood in an unfamiliar playground.
Where am I?
Just a moment ago, I thought I was in my bed with Hahyun, so what happened? Had something strange happened to me again?
Worrying, I walked slowly through the playground. I tried to figure out where this place was by scanning the surroundings with my eyes, but it was a place I’d never seen before. When I walked to the end of the playground, I saw a boy in a school uniform sitting on an old bench.
“Excuse me. Where is this place?”
Although I was close enough for my voice to be heard, when the boy slowly raised his head, I was startled and stepped back. He was a high school-aged Yoon Juwon who looked exactly like my current self.
“…Yoon Juwon.”
I called his name aloud, but he didn’t seem to hear my voice.
“Juwon, Juwon, Yoon Juwon!”
When he didn’t turn around even after I called several times with a raised voice, I realized I was in a dream.
“Ah, this is a dream.”
Just then, I heard someone other than me calling Yoon Juwon’s name loudly.
“Juwon!”
Juwon lifted his head and looked in the direction of the voice. His face twisted severely when he saw who was approaching. Young Juwon’s expression was so cruel that I, looking at him, felt like I would be more hurt.
Suddenly anxious, I turned my head to see who the voice belonged to, and saw a young Hajin limping toward us with a cast on his arm.
This must be the day after he was beaten by Chairman Seo and went to the orphanage. Oh, what to do…
Even though I knew it was a dream, even though I knew it was all in the past, I paced back and forth, anticipating what Juwon would say next and the pain it would cause Hajin. Hoping for a miracle, I shouted at Juwon.
“Yoon Juwon, don’t do it. Hajin is already too hurt.”
But my voice didn’t reach the boys. So I could only silently watch them.
Hajin, who had somehow approached closely, hung his head like a criminal. Juwon stood up from the bench and walked toward him.
“I told you not to follow me.”
“Juwon.”
“Stop calling my name. The moment you left this place, you became a stranger to me.”
“I’m sorry, I was wrong.”
“…Get lost. You’re annoying.”
Juwon turned coldly. Then he ran out of the playground at a pace that Hajin, with his injured leg, could never follow. Feelings of regret, sympathy, and helplessness rushed in simultaneously. I could only sit down and watch Hajin silently.
Then suddenly, something surprising happened. Hajin, who I thought couldn’t see me, was approaching me.
What’s this? Does he think I’m Yoon Juwon?
If I could start the story over from the beginning, could Hajin’s story have a completely different, new ending rather than one full of pain? I wish it could be so… How wonderful would it be if I could go back to the past, become the young Yoon Juwon, and comfort him?
Only then did I check the pants I was wearing. They were the same school uniform that Juwon had been wearing moments ago.
Ah, that’s fortunate. I could change things. I could comfort him.
Even knowing it was a dream, with a more desperate heart than ever, I jumped up and approached Hajin.
“Hajin.”
Hajin looked at me with unfocused eyes, raising his head. He seemed shocked that Juwon had left like that.
I embraced the young Hajin.
Even when he was young, he was this tall and pretty.
With indescribable feelings, I hugged Hajin and patted his back. He flinched in surprise and then stepped back a little.
“It’s okay.”
Taking on the role of Yoon Juwon, I approached him as much as he stepped back. Hajin stopped moving and looked at me curiously. With a smiling face, I took his hand.
“I came back because I was worried about you.”
“…”
“I had something to say.”
My heart was racing as I looked at his finely trembling blue eyes. Trying to suppress my pounding heart, I continued speaking.
“Actually, I think I felt inferior to you. That’s why I treated you badly on purpose. Not because I disliked you…”
Young Hajin spoke, tears streaming down his face.
“I missed you. I wanted to come earlier, but I couldn’t. I’m sorry.”
“I missed you so much too.”
“Juwon, I was scared. Scared that you would be angry…”
“I’m sorry, Seo Hajin…”
Hajin pulled the hand I was holding and hugged me tightly. Embraced by him, I stroked his broad back, hoping that my words, my touch, would comfort his wounded places…
