“I really didn’t do anything wrong yesterday? If I did, I’ll say it now. I’m sorry.”
His heart tickled at just their fingertips touching, so Siwoo curled his fingers into a fist.
“Nothing like that. Do you like plums?”
Since Siwoo made a fist, Evan’s hand lost direction and stopped in midair.
“Ah! It seems like I do like plums, and I do sometimes say I want to eat them after drinking.”
Scratching his cheek as he spoke, Siwoo couldn’t bring himself to say the rest. Saying he wanted to eat plums was one of his drinking habits. But Evan was the only person who had actually bought him plums. Come to think of it, he’d never even bought plums for himself. So when was the last time I ate plums, excluding this morning? But why do I specifically look for plums whenever I get drunk?
“You said your favorite fruit is watermelon.”
“That’s true, but those plums were delicious.”
He’d apologized, and now he just needed to find out where to buy the plums and go home, Siwoo thought as he lowered the hand that had been touching his face.
“Evan. If you’ve rested, the next shoot…”
When a subtle silence flowed between them, Evan’s manager came in with a knock, and Siwoo was about to say he’d be going now.
“Coco. Wait just a bit. Let’s go buy plums after this is done.”
Siwoo’s lips, which had been about to say he’d be leaving, slowly closed at Evan’s words as he stood up from his seat. He should have said it was okay and just asked where he bought the plums, he should have said he had things to do so he had to leave.
Strangely, he couldn’t express his refusal to his words.
Whether he cared about Siwoo’s answer or not, Evan left the waiting room with his manager. A small sigh flowed from Siwoo’s mouth as he looked down at the floor for no reason, tapping the floor with his toes. The other person probably didn’t mean it that way at all, but it was his own fault for being captivated by that gaze and atmosphere.
He tried to ignore it and not think about it somehow, but now he had to acknowledge it.
Siwoo, who had stayed in the waiting room briefly, headed toward the filming set with slow steps. Since filming was in full swing on the set, he stood a little distance away and looked at Evan. He crossed his arms while watching him in the brilliant lights. And he slowly rubbed both his forearms.
His heart running wild wasn’t an arrhythmia, and his left chest constantly tickling wasn’t a skin problem. He’d ignored it, denied it, and pretended not to know, but at this moment watching him, Siwoo couldn’t turn away anymore.
Staff attached themselves to Evan’s side with words about changing the atmosphere. The neatly pomaded hair became disheveled and the jacket disappeared. As two or three shirt buttons came undone, the cold and intellectual image of Evan that had been emanating until just now vanished.
The lighting lowered and instead of the classical music that had been playing until just now, sultry jazz filled the set. He could no longer watch him lying languidly on the antique sofa discussing concepts, so he turned his body.
Bitterness filled his mouth.
Couldn’t he regress even now? Couldn’t the regression day be tonight?
Even if they didn’t meet personally, there were two official ‘Journey’ shoots remaining. That couldn’t be avoided.
‘Evan hyung didn’t confess, right?’
‘Evan hyung likes you, hyung.’
He remembered what Yechan said. No way. That really doesn’t make sense. He must just have a kind, sweet personality who enjoys taking care of others. Not someone else but Evan? Why would an alpha be interested in him, a beta?
“Evan. He’s cool, right?”
Unable to follow the flow of thoughts running wild on their own, Siwoo’s body trembled with a start at the voice he heard from the side.
“I’ve been watching him since he was eighteen, so about 5 years now, and he really is an amazing guy.”
Evan’s manager was next to him, who knows when he arrived. Inevitably, Siwoo turned his body to look at the filming set. Lying on the sofa, he looked incredibly languid and bored. When his eyes went to the chest revealed by the unbuttoned shirt, he quickly moved his gaze elsewhere.
Then this time, his bare chest came to mind. He’d focused on buttoning up, but still, he had eyes and it was at his eye level, so whether he wanted to or not, he’d seen his chest.
“Yes.”
“I heard you refused all broadcast appearances—is there a reason?”
“I want to take it slow. Nothing good comes from rushing into anything.”
Siwoo’s gaze found Evan again. He was looking at the camera, concentrating on filming. Since everyone’s eyes were focused on him, it wouldn’t change anything if he looked too.
“Well, appearing selectively in moderation is also a method.”
Siwoo, who had been nodding vaguely at the manager’s words, blinked rapidly. A refreshing yet chilly scent tickled his senses. He extended his index finger and rubbed vigorously under his nose. Did someone spray perfume? When he removed his index finger, the scent he’d felt momentarily disappeared.
Feeling awkward, he touched the tip of his nose and raised his head to find Evan’s green eyes directed at him. The moment he felt their eyes meet, Evan closed his eyes. Until now, Siwoo had been the one to look away first when their gazes entangled. But this time, Evan looked away. He could hear the camera’s continuous shutter sounds. Had he not been looking at him?
“Mr. Siwoo. You know it’s not true, right?”
So awkwardly it made a creaking sound, Siwoo turned his head toward the manager beside him. He was still looking at the filming set.
“Evan’s personality is like that. He does whatever he wants. Whatever that may be. But it’s not true. You know that too, Mr. Siwoo.”
His words while taking out his cell phone and sending a message, as if someone had contacted him, were heavy. What should he say? He’d just directly faced the emotions he’d been avoiding, ignoring, and leaving alone until now. He’d tried to acknowledge and embrace them now. But it’s not true. He knew it wasn’t, but hearing it clearly from a third party’s perspective hurt.
“Yes. I know.”
“It’s a common thing. Everyone has those feelings when they see Evan. That’s why he can gain such popularity. Why am I saying this? I’ve been by his side for 5 years, how could I not know? What’s not true is not true. I’m telling you in advance not to nurture something that will become a piece of toilet paper anyway.”
He barely swallowed the saliva pooled in his mouth.
He had to act calm. Right now, his manager wanted him to. Having sent a message to someone, he took his eyes off his phone and looked at the filming set again.
“Did you call me all the way here to say this?”
Siwoo’s eyes, having taken a deep breath, still followed Evan. He’d clearly had his eyes closed, but sitting up from his lying position, he was looking this way again. Suddenly he jumped up from his seat. It was an abrupt departure from the set. Evan, not taking his eyes off Siwoo, was in front of Siwoo in the blink of an eye. And he snatched Siwoo’s hand that had been unconsciously touching his lower lip.
“What’s wrong?”
The words seemed directed at Siwoo, but his gaze was toward the manager.
“Evan?”
Siwoo tried to pull out the hand caught in his and patted Evan with his other hand. You were filming well, what’s going on?
“Why is he suddenly like this?”
He was still looking at the manager, not at him. He couldn’t forget that appearance from last time in the van, speaking to him seriously and coldly. But the moment he heard the voice and tone he was using with the manager now, goosebumps rose all over his body.
“What did Myunghun hyung say?”
The gaze that had been directed at the manager came to Siwoo. He shook his head reflexively. Could the emotion felt in a person’s voice change this quickly? He’d clearly seemed very angry, but speaking to him now, he was no different from usual.
“Then why are you like this?”
How should he answer when he’s the one acting strange but asking him for the reason? Siwoo said there was nothing wrong and to hurry and go film, gently pushing him with the hand that wasn’t caught.
“Coco, don’t be like that. You were surprised. I’ll finish filming as quickly as possible, so even if you’re bored, please bear with it a little.”
He didn’t know what he’d done to make him surprised, but he silently watched his back as he returned to the set without pressing further. The music flowing now, people’s small voices, the camera’s shutter sounds, etc. It didn’t make sense that he’d heard the conversation he and the manager just had.
“I understood what you meant. The thing you’re worried about won’t happen.”
When the manager, who had been standing with a troubled expression, clicked his tongue and turned around, Siwoo quickly spoke to him. Even if he hadn’t said that, he had no intention of revealing these feelings. He wanted to quietly embrace the pitiable emotion that wasn’t blessed. For the first time, he’d held special feelings toward another person.
Yechan had asked. What would he do if he confessed to him?
Siwoo had answered then. It wouldn’t happen, but if such a thing did occur, he’d smile. Not a sneer, but with sincerity, give a pleasant smile and then say thank you.
‘Jackpot. What does that mean? He confessed but you answer with thank you? Wow. And after that you tell me to confess. If I said that and you said thanks, what should I do?’
What had he answered then? Siwoo raised his hand to slightly lift his pulled-down cap and scratched his eyebrow.
It felt like he’d remember, but it didn’t come to mind. He’d definitely answered clearly.
What had he answered—after pondering for a long time, Siwoo took out his cell phone and sent Yechan a message.
[What did I answer then? When you asked what to do if you confess and the other person says thank you]
After a moment, a message came from Yechan.
[You said it’s not like waking up in a semi-basement;;;]
Why would he expect such a serious answer from himself? Not even normally, but from his drunk self. A sense of futility washed over him. First of all, if Evan confessed to him, it seemed like he shouldn’t say thank you. All these worries had the premise of ‘if he confesses.’ If he doesn’t confess, never mind.
Staff were running around the set as if the concept was changing again, and Evan wasn’t visible. Someone brought a chair saying it would take some time, so Siwoo expressed his gratitude and sat down.
During the remaining filming, Evan didn’t look at Siwoo. He concentrated on filming frighteningly. And Siwoo, resting his chin on his hand, watched the entire process. Rather than worrying about things that hadn’t happened, he just let time, this moment, flow as it would.
As long as he wasn’t found out, he planned to leave alone the emotion that jumped around wildly and revealed its identity. During infinite regression, living with one emotion like this might not be so bad.
Even if he goes back again, he’ll debut as a member of Ocean, so then should I try this thing called fandom? If I really want to see him, I can go to music shows, and if I’m lucky, I can hold his hand once at a fan signing—that seemed like it would be okay too.
