I had thought Lee Hyeonseok had some kind of anger management disorder all this time. Contrary to those usual thoughts, when I came at him with a firm attitude, Lee Hyeonseok acted calm instead. I was the one flustered by that reaction. When he came at me like this, I couldn’t help but waver slightly, thinking, ‘Am I misjudging this?’ But even after chewing it over about three times, wrong was still wrong. I had no desire to work things out with him.
Lee Hyeonseok hadn’t immediately asked me to date him. It was just that, looking at the flow, it was in the same context. My conclusion was ‘As expected, his feelings for me and actually dating are separate matters.’
“You can try throwing a fit from now on. I won’t lay a hand on you.”
“Ah, forget it. I won’t do it since I’m not someone whose last words would be ‘It’s fine, I won’t die.'”
Just five minutes ago, Lee Hyeonseok had slapped my face. Who knows what he’d do if he got it wrong again. Spitting out words that can’t be trusted so readily—he really is screwed up. If the first digit of your age has a 2 in front of it, you should know by now to only say things you can take responsibility for….
I shook my head and conveyed my firm intention.
“You’re exactly like an unexploded bomb that could go off at any moment.”
As soon as I finished speaking, I clenched my fist then spread it wide, making a gesture as if a bomb was exploding. Lee Hyeonseok, who if you looked closely you could tell was even slightly dejected, returned to his expressionless face again. He seemed a bit angry, and also seemed unable to accept it.
“So you’re saying you have no feelings for me at all.”
“…That’s right.”
Regardless of his upbringing, he must have received other kinds of education thoroughly because that damn self-esteem and confidence of his was excessively overflowing. Lee Hyeonseok couldn’t believe that I had no feelings whatsoever for him.
They say psychopaths lack the ability to empathize with others’ pain or emotions, and watching Lee Hyeonseok, maybe it really shouldn’t be brushed off as a joke. When I answered halfheartedly, Lee Hyeonseok muttered, “I know you dislike me, but….” Oh. So he did know that much. They say sociopaths have a mindset of “So what?” and just go ahead with things even if their moral and ethical thinking is twisted. I guess he’s a sociopath, not a psychopath. Either way, he was someone who needed to be isolated from society.
“We’ve mingled bodies like that, yet not even once.”
Lee Hyeonseok came to confirm again. I temporarily set aside my thoughts of just denying and half-agreed with his words. There’s a reason why they say things like ‘attachment from physical intimacy’ or ‘even hateful attachment’ exist. Moreover, from his perspective, I must have seemed quite docile, as if I’d fall over completely if coaxed just right.
Actually, he’s right. Lee Hyeonseok hit the nail right on the head. He’s definitely a shitty bastard, but in the midst of it all, he treated me somewhat specially, so my heart had softened. To the point where I might fall for him if he handled me just a bit more gently. Being with him made me think I could understand the hearts of people attracted to bad people.
Telling a bastard who grew up never once hearing from his parents that they liked him that I liked him—I felt like I could become the kind of bastard whose last words would be ‘It’ll be fine, whatever.’ The reason I was almost brainwashing myself by listing only Lee Hyeonseok’s negative points was to persuade and remind myself. It was also the truth.
Fortunately, I was a person with reason and intelligence, so I couldn’t say all of this out loud.
“They do say physical attachment is scary….”
When I trailed off with the nuance of ‘But not for me,’ Lee Hyeonseok frowned as if he understood. He really looked exactly like a child throwing a tantrum because things weren’t going his way. I rolled my eyes elsewhere, afraid I might think he was cute.
A knocking sound was heard in the space where silence had settled. Before Lee Hyeonseok could say anything, I made the first move. When I quickly told them to come in, the door opened cautiously. The person who entered was Executive Director-nim. Just as I was curious about what business would make him seek out Lee Hyeonseok directly from this early in the morning, he opened his mouth on his own.
“I apologize for the early morning. The madam urgently wants to see the president… Wait, excuse me, but what are you two doing?”
I was sitting in seiza while Lee Hyeonseok sat delinquently with one arm resting on his knee, and we were facing each other on the bed. I answered Executive Director-nim, who couldn’t contain his curiosity, without a moment’s hesitation. With a bit of gloom mixed in too.
“I’m being scolded for his confession.”
“This actually works.”
Lee Hyeonseok muttered as if dumbfounded. Right? This actually works, you bastard.
I could hear Imo-nim’s voice from afar telling us to eat breakfast. I got up from my seat while watching his mood, but I didn’t hear the sound of Lee Hyeonseok following. It seemed he realized it was hopeless since I was being this firm. Since his head didn’t seem bad, this conversation must have ended here. Even if it wasn’t a pleasant topic, the result wasn’t bad. I decided to treat Lee Hyeonseok well for the time being.
* * *
Lee Hyeonseok skipped breakfast and continued to hole himself up in his room. Executive Director-nim came out of the room looking restless, but I pretended not to notice and diligently watched a documentary in the living room while eating the apple Imo-nim had peeled for me. Today’s animal was a peacock. The colorful wings looked nice, but at the same time, I thought they seemed too excessive.
—Does the peacock’s plumage seem like it would be easily spotted by predators or appear cumbersome? These feathers, which seem like they could be fatal for survival, paradoxically play a very important role in being chosen by females. The more resistant to parasites and the healthier the body, the more colorful the peacock’s plumage becomes. In other words, there’s nothing better than tail feathers to appeal to females who want to leave behind strong offspring.
“Then marry me instead of dating.”
I thought he’d given up in the morning. Lee Hyeonseok came to speak to me again around lunchtime. I stared at him with my mouth hanging open stupidly, not even tired of him coming again. He looked quite serious. Instead of the narration, Lee Hyeonseok’s persuasion flowed into my ears.
“Dating and marriage are different, aren’t they. It’s reality. If you live with me, I’ll provide for you and let you live without hardship.”
“……”
I slowly chewed the apple in my mouth while rolling my eyes again. Since Imo-nim left the house right after cleaning and setting the table, the only ones in the house were me, Lee Hyeonseok, and the guards. The house was pointlessly large, so I hoped the guards couldn’t hear Lee Hyeonseok’s words, but as luck would have it, the guards who had been at the entrance were pretending not to while focusing on this spot.
“Do you think other bastards can help you as much as I can? Financially, physically, socially—who else besides me do you think can take responsibility for you?”
Lee Hyeonseok diligently appealed his greatness from beside me again. It really was tempting words. Unlike when he recklessly tried to mingle bodies, it was admirable that he was trying to persuade me with all kinds of sweet talk.
—When a male peacock spreads its waist feathers, it is a display during mating season and a courtship behavior.
Before I knew it, a male peacock courting a female was caught on screen as the narration played. The timing was really good too. For a moment, I wondered if someone had set this up.
“It kind of… seems similar too….”
“What?”
More than that, Lee Hyeonseok seemed to overlap with the male peacock first, so I muttered without realizing it. When Lee Hyeonseok asked back with displeasure, I quickly shook my head saying it was nothing. Instead of asking again, he turned off the television. Why turn it on and then ask?
“……”
Silence settled over the living room. I wished it would stop settling already, but there was no sign of Lee Hyeonseok giving up. My concentration, scattered in all directions, suddenly caught onto the texture of the sofa. The sofa was very soft and smooth, probably expensive. Would I be able to use cheap ones later after using such a good sofa? Even the bed mattress, I was coveting it enough to consider asking for it when I left Lee Hyeonseok’s house.
At that moment, as if caught thinking about something else, Lee Hyeonseok grabbed my cheek.
“When you’re with me, focus on me.”
Oh boy. A meaningless youth. This is all youthful indiscretion…. Sometimes people have periods when they can’t understand no matter how much you tell them. At times like that, they only understand after directly experiencing it or seeing painful consequences. That was the only solution. Realizing that he wouldn’t listen no matter how nicely I put it, I let out a long sigh.
“…In dramas and movies, guys like you always have a marriage partner set by the family. Don’t you?”
I tried making one last struggle. But I felt like I had fallen into a swamp too wide to swim in. In the end, I was the one getting exhausted from struggling. I had to decide whether to drown in the water or board a lifeboat that might sink at any moment.
“I’m not a paraphiliac.”
It was an ambiguous answer that couldn’t confirm whether he had a marriage partner or not. More than that, seeing him still reject it, it seemed he was having a really hard time adapting to this world. At this point, I felt sorry for both the marriage partner who might exist and for Lee Hyeonseok. He must be in a position where he’ll have to marry someday even if he doesn’t want to. Well, it’s not my life, so he’ll figure it out. Since I won’t be marrying Lee Hyeonseok.
Anyway, you have to finish teaching a child that no means no when they’re young, no matter how much they throw tantrums. Once they become adults, it’s hard to fix. Moreover, the opponent was a screwed-up adult who even had power.
I knew what it meant that the matter from this morning hadn’t concluded. For example, when asked ‘Would Lee Hyeonseok really accept my rejection whether I do it nicely or badly?’, the correct answer would be ‘Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem so’—it was the same principle. Lee Hyeonseok was the type who would burn even hotter with a contrary spirit the more you told him no.
In the end, I, being the more adult one, decided to humbly endure it.
“Fine… I got it.”
“You got it?”
“Yeah.”
“What.”
After some time passes, he’ll realize on his own, ‘Ah, I was crazy.’ At my attitude that seemed like I’d thrown up both hands, Lee Hyeonseok asked with sparkling eyes. He urged me in a voice filled with expectation somewhere.
“No, what… Yeah, you got what…?”
“That you’re asking me to marry you?”
“No, fuck! That you’re asking me to date you.”
“Is that the attitude of someone making a request right now?”
“I didn’t make a request!”
When I answered halfheartedly, not knowing what answer Lee Hyeonseok wanted, he suddenly went into overdrive. At the sudden acceleration, I jumped and even cursed at him, and Lee Hyeonseok showed an amazing talent. It was the talent of making someone make a request even though they never asked. He got up and soon came back with his cell phone.
“To book a wedding venue?”
“Please go out with me.”
After about an hour of Lee Hyeonseok earnestly begging me to please date him, I ended up dating him.
What kind of situation is this?
