“Ah. I really want to have beer with butter-grilled squid.”
How funny. Every time he regressed, there were a few sad things.
He couldn’t drive. He couldn’t drink alcohol. He had to faithfully and diligently be a good student. These three things were the hardest.
A lullaby flowed from Siwoo’s mouth as he sat blankly. Our Coco-moms said they wanted to hear a lullaby. It’s natural that when you gain one thing, you lose another. From now on, he wouldn’t be able to do lives as freely as he pleased. It would be hard to have those small, cozy conversations.
I should have sung for them then. Who was I to not do that for them? The Coco-moms requested songs so many times, but I brushed it off with excuses that I hadn’t warmed up my voice or that it was locked up.
Listening to the sounds of insects in the distance, he softly sang whatever lullabies came to mind. When one song ended, he sang another one he remembered. Since he didn’t remember all the lyrics, he sometimes just hummed the melody.
He would lose it again. Perhaps this might be the only chance he’d have in the infinite time remaining ahead.
“Can I do well? How far can I go?”
As PD Lee said, Taehoon hyung, who worried about him and pushed him forward, came to mind. Our Taehoon hyung, who only suffered, should get to touch some money too. Since his signed artist was like this, he’d always only struggled.
But among his many thoughts, what stood foremost was fear. The first three times.
Things he experienced during a period when he desperately wanted to gain popularity and was more full of dreams than anyone else.
The deaths of others and his own death.
And whether it was coincidence or something else, when Siwoo let go of all greed, the regression caused by death stopped. In the life of an ordinary college student he’d chosen after experiencing his own death, and in the lives that continued after that, and now.
Siwoo wasn’t obsessed with popularity. He was simply grateful for the fact that he could sing on stage. He tried to let go of greed. That’s why, knowing that effort, the hellish regression might have stopped. The regression date might have changed. Regressions that weren’t death happened at midnight. No matter where or in what situation, when the clock struck 12 and he blinked, he was in the semi-basement room.
But if he became greedy for popularity again now, would it be regression? Or death?
His brain, which had been spinning crazily fast, stopped. When the word death caught, everything felt dizzyingly far away.
“As far as I want to go.”
He hadn’t heard anyone approaching, but Siwoo put down the legs he’d been hugging with a rustling sound and turned around. He didn’t know how long he’d been there, but Evan was standing a few steps behind him.
“You’re not sleeping?”
He’d sung very quietly and left the lodging without a sound, so it didn’t seem like he’d woken anyone. Siwoo accepted the cup Evan held out as he approached closer. It contained lukewarm milk.
How long had he been there? Was this milk lukewarm from the start? Or had it been very hot but cooled down over time?
“Go as far as you want to go.”
Even if he didn’t know about other things, Evan seemed to have definitely heard the words he’d muttered at the end.
“Easier said than done. I’m a little flustered and feeling strange.”
“I’ll help you.”
When Evan sat in the seat next to him, the rocking chair moved slowly. Siwoo raised his legs again that he’d put down and wrapped both arms around them.
“You really are my fan.”
Siwoo looked straight ahead and drank the milk he’d offered. Moonlight sparkled on the river flowing in the distance. Not wanting to have a conversation about an uncomfortable topic, he turned to something safe.
“I told you I was a fan.”
“So that’s why you did that to me. Then you’re a successful fan. Come here, shall I give you a hug? I should give you proper fan service.”
Siwoo rested his cheek on his knee and looked at Evan. He too seemed to have come out after sleeping, wearing pajamas with a jumper thrown over them.
“I’m a successful fan. Among fans, I’m the only one who can see this side of you.”
When their gazes entangled with Evan, who smiled slightly, Siwoo pouted his lips. That face really is a lifetime free pass.
“How great, really. But why’d you come out instead of sleeping?”
“I couldn’t sleep.”
Evan, who put his arm around Siwoo’s back, couldn’t hide his lips curling up continuously at Siwoo’s gently flowing voice.
“Why can’t you sleep? I’m in a situation where I have enough reason not to sleep right now.”
“Because I’m anxious.”
“That’s funny. What do you have to be anxious about? I’m in turmoil right now because I’m fish food and I’ve never received this kind of attention so suddenly.”
Siwoo, who barely turned his gaze from those eyes that seemed like he’d fall into them to the river, sighed softly and took a sip of milk. I should go in now. It seemed like Evan would go in only after he went in, given the atmosphere.
“Right. What would you have to be anxious about? I just have to find, and find, and keep finding. At least now I know who it is.”
“What does that mean?”
Siwoo smacked Evan’s thigh, who was saying incomprehensible things, and stood up.
“Nonsense.”
“It’s cold. Let’s go in quickly.”
As the temperature dropped the later it got into the night, Siwoo shivered. After confirming that Evan was standing up following him, he crossed the garden first.
“What the.”
When his shoulders suddenly became heavy, Siwoo turned around. The jumper Evan had been wearing just moments ago was on his shoulders.
“Oh my, Coco-mom-nim. You’re making a fuss. If you get sick rather than me, that would be a bigger problem.”
Siwoo laughed lowly and tried to return the clothes, but Evan wrapped his arm around his shoulders.
“When someone shows consideration, accept it.”
At his tsk-tsking words, Siwoo laughed out loud.
Neither of them knew it, but the camera installed in the garden at this late hour kept rolling.
* * *
“Isn’t this Daegwallyeong?”
“Puhaha. There are sheep over there. They are there.”
“Yes! We’re on our way to the Daegwallyeong Sheep Ranch right now.”
“Ah, what are you talking about? Why are you suddenly bringing up the sheep ranch?”
“The road is winding, so it’s exactly like going to Daegwallyeong Sheep Ranch. Oh sheep running on that green meadow.”
Usually they had a lot of free time, but today they had a group schedule, so all the members gathered and moved in a minibus.
Siwoo, who had stayed up all night, sat in the corner of the back seat where he wouldn’t be caught well on camera and widened his eyes trying to chase away the drowsiness that rushed over him. The sound of Ian and Yechan chattering in front could be heard endlessly, but he couldn’t beat his eyelids, which were said to be the heaviest things in the world.
“Sleepy?”
“No.”
He tried to fight it, but did he end up closing his eyes? When Siwoo answered with wide eyes at the voice he heard by his ear, Luca, who saw Siwoo’s eyelids—which had shown a surprised expression at the double eyelids that had become deeper than usual—slowly droop down, picked up the phone that had been next to him.
“Siwoo-ya.”
The moment his flickering eyelids closed tightly and Siwoo’s head was about to turn slightly to the side, he called his name.
“Yes!”
Ah! What should I do? This kid, really. His small head jerked up with a rustling sound and his eyes looking at Luca were round. But Luca, who was filming the eyelids that soon drooped down unable to overcome drowsiness, couldn’t hold back his laughter and chuckled alone.
“Siwoo, are you sleeping?”
Luca’s filming ended with Siwoo, who had responded to the small calls a few more times, eventually unable to overcome sleep and resting his head against the window with a tap, answering softly with his eyes closed.
Since the travel time took a while, there was no one who bothered Siwoo anymore. Instead, tremendous ripples occurred on Siwoo’s phone, SNS, and fan club.
It started with Luca.
He had simply faithfully done the homework he had to do today.
It just happened to be the dozing appearance of Siwoo he’d just filmed.
Along with the video filmed for about a minute, Luca left a comment saying, “What were you doing at night that you’re sleeping now?”
The fans of Hyunsu, Luca, Ian, Louis, Evan, Yechan, and Siwoo were already constantly checking their SNS even if they weren’t necessarily that person’s fan. Although the program name wasn’t known, they were currently leaking information about each other to each other.
In the midst of exploding curiosity about Siwoo, who had less than a handful of information, he’d done a live with Evan last night, causing a tremendous ripple.
Moreover, Evan had directly revealed the fact that he’d been a fan since Siwoo’s debut and even joined his fan club.
But to see the white, soft kid dozing off while receiving natural sunlight as lighting. Moreover, it unfilteredly contained the scene of him trying to wake up with rustling sounds and answering diligently each time Luca spoke to him, before finally falling deeply into sleep.
His small head swaying slightly, or his eyelids settling down prettily. The dense, long eyelashes cast beneath them. Siwoo sleeping with his lips slightly parted after releasing tension looked too much like a gentle young child.
Still, when he wasn’t deeply asleep, his pitiful appearance trying to respond to Luca’s words made everyone smile while also thinking, just let him sleep comfortably.
It even had Ian and Yechan exchanging ridiculous jokes laid down like background music.
While they couldn’t come to their senses at the video that already had too many killing points, another video was uploaded.
After Luca, it was Evan.
Dark night, a place without lighting. What Evan was filming as he went out somewhere seemed to be a garden. A situation where he seemed to be crossing a wide garden.
Because it wasn’t bright, at first everyone tilted their heads wondering what on earth this was. A video filmed while walking somewhere. Soon a soft lullaby was heard along with the sounds of insects. It wasn’t Evan’s voice.
The song sung by someone who seemed to already be outside first. It was natural to be interested in the person singing that natural song, sometimes getting the lyrics wrong and sometimes replacing them with humming.
When the moon that had been covered by clouds shed light slightly, the back view of a person sitting on a rocking chair was visible. The video, about 2 minutes long, ended like that without showing either Evan’s face or the face of the person who sang the song.
